I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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