I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
