You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
