Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
