My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
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