nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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