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I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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