I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
