Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize