seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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