She is in my trunk
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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