I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
