A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
The struggles of a small town man whore
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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