could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
