Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
