is your mom at the bar?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
