i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
