May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
