no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
