At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
