yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
