I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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