found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
