what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
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