I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
