He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
