this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
