I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize