I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
