I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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