Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
