I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize