I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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