i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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