Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
