Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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