I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
