he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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