True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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