he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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