those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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