I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
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