so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
