It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
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