I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
