I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
