tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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