genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
