Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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