He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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