she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
