My sheets look like a crime scene.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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