I feel like I'm in dance class right now
Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
