My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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