Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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