im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
