I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
