I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
