i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
