It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I cut my penus on the lid.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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