I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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