i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
