Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
